Beltaine
It's the May Day Bank holiday this weekend. Beltaine was (is) an ancient celebration of the coming summer that brought together the Horned God with the Goddess. It is an exciting time of the year, as the world springs to life, bringing promise of the joys to come.
Life is starting the process of renewal, as plants shoot skyward and all creatures feel the urge to mate.
Some celebrate by lighting great fires - now frowned upon by those very same Health & Safety officials I was complaining about recently - then folk leapt through the fires to honour the fertility god Belenos.
Our coastline is slowly eroding, so the Environment Agency response is to import rocks from Norway: they are incongruous lumps along the soft Suffolk shore, but they know best. The latest wizard wheeze is to fence off these rocks, because someone may climb upon them, and perhaps fall and hurt themselves.
A plan has been submitted to fence off the entire coastline of Cornwall and much of Wales and Scotland for the same reasons. We cannot allow our populace to face such dangers.
The Maypole has fallen out of favour in recent years, but it really is great fun, weaving the ribbon strands together and then out again. The pole and the strands are symbolic (back to sex again) so that maybe it is no longer considered suitable.
This is the time to fertilise your dreams. Rumour has it that children conceived at this time are the gift of the gods They were known as Merry-be-Gots.
Go to it: this is a time for riotous behaviour. Kiss a health & safety officer today.
Safeway
It's now called Morrisons, following a takeover, but there was a supermarket known as Safeways.
I was sitting outside a Safeways, idly watching and listening the world, when I saw a small man with his large wife talking to a member of Safeway staff. It prompted the following:
The Safeway
Crook shanks buys his boots in Crooked Lane
His legs grew at night, not seeing where to grow
He stands in the aisle smiling at the girl with mane
black hair as hands on hips he says hello
Taking a rest from the tills are you?
Once a scoundrel, a curber, a sting
Now a fidget in a pork pie hat and waistcoat
A rantallion yet he's still in need of a carvel ring
to act as a moat
rantipole wife stands by, arms folded
knowing he had wept the tears of charren
large and fat as he was thin, she could have scolded
instead she smiled and shook her head
paying no chummage in her marital bed
No customer services she said
I'll have some of that he whooped
It was fun at the time.
Yes, we are back in action. A new server, which looks as if we may be able to operate more efficiently - I'm always willing to believe the word of a salesman!
As those that have contacted me seem to believe that I have a responsibility to ensure that my site is kept online and in order - that's lovely really because it does show that some people do care - even if they don't care about me!
My rough manifesto featured well this week - BBC TV carried a good piece about chewing gum on pavements. Do you think someone is reading my Blog?
I'll try again - isn't it time we had an election? Let's see if that brings a reaction.
Sites down again
My server is suffering from virus attack. A new server has been found, but to set up the sites again will take time. My apologies, but it is beyond my control.
Return of Assets
I'm not going to take any responsibility for this Blog - the contents of which were sent to me by a source that will remain confidential - the FBI will never get it out me.
However strange this Blog may seem to some Americans it does contain attractive elements, and I would urge US citizens to seriously consider rejoining the Commonwealth. It's an organisation where fingers have never been found in fast food.
This is the message I received;
To the citizens of the United States of America.
In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister - sort-of a President, although you'll have the Queen to do the fun parts for you - will be The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP who will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress
and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next
year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the
letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your
love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix
"ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix
'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell
Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally,
you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps'
in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language
then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have
to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling
it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors as
the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red
Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will
no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping
for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side
by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside
of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if they give you any merde. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially
dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric
with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried
in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should
be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as
manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without
risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as
you will be permitted to keep calling it until December 1st) prices with
the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA
and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $10/US
gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled
by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a
gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
