Manifesto
We are having an election. You may have heard. Don't bother to come to Britain or switch on British TV or radio for at least two weeks as politics has overtaken every channel.
It's time to state my position, and perhaps you'll gain some flavour of my thinking if I propose a manifesto. What I need to find is a party or candidate that will accept most of my wishes - and they will get my vote.
Let's start with the important stuff: chewing gum. I want a punitive tax placed upon its sale, and power to arrest and incarcerate anyone found spitting the obnoxious substance upon our public spaces.
All takeaway food and confectionery to be wrapped in biodegradable materials. I'd demand that it disappears within 30 days, and extend the requirement to cover all wrapping. Supermarkets (and many other stores) could not exist unless we paid for the wrapping around the items we buy. We seem to have accepted that, even though I can't see why, but the real pain comes when I have to pay (again) to get rid of the coloured cardboard that has surrounded the food, or whatever else I've bought.
Health and Safety officials to be banned. They are making a nonsense of our lives. This week we've had three silly instances in my small sleepy town. H&S want to ban crab fishing from the jetty - the children could fall in. The local amusement park has a 'cake walk', a moving walkway. It's been in place for 72 years, without an accident, but H&S have stopped its use, as it might cause an accident. A new church wants to build a platform - to allow the congregation to see the altar etc. H&S insist it must have a safety rail if it exceeds 2 feet (60cm) in height. Need I say more?
Most civil servants and local council employees should be re-employed. This is a more difficult manifesto suggestion but our officials are now more interested in their own careers than in providing service.
Finally I'd like to ban political parties. They seem to lie (in all senses of the word) at the heart of the problem.
Yesterday was a nightmare. My sites disappeared thanks to a virus that attacked the main server. Why do folk think that attacking innocents (like me) is fun? Only now can they know that their ruse worked, but how did that give them any advantage? Is it really fun to see other people's lives turned upside down when you don't know who they are?
The other cheek is now turned, the one otherwise known as gluteus max and it may come with an aroma of raspberry. Thanks chaps, whoever you are. Be assured you upset many people. I hope that brings contentment.
Still have other problems to overcome as one of my computers has been badly affected by worms. So much so that even MS Windows 2000 Professional now has to be reloaded (my, my, what a surprise Microsoft is vulnerable to attack).
Holidays
Take a break, relax, leave your worries behind. Great stuff, except that the piles of paper appear to have increased exponentially in such a short time.
Many people are complaining because I no longer answer my telephone. The simple reason is that I don't have time to answer the phone because everyone who calls wants me to do something new. And, quite frankly, I don't want to.
Initally the phone ringing creates tension, producing a craving akin to nicotine addiction but I've got over that stage, and now tend to ignore it. Surprisingly when I do take the trouble to discover who has just called I find the caller's number has been witheld. That usually has me screaming at the phone, 'you want me to answer, but do not have the tendency to tell me who you are!'
I wonder how long I can go on ignoring the world? Will I lose all my friends? Will the government lackeys stop chasing me to fill in their forms? Will salesmen finally decide I'm not worth the effort?
I wonder if Jehovah's Witnesses have ever tried to convert the Pope?
He's turning out to have a strange past: from Hitler Youth to St Peter. How much of the Wermacht does he have stuck to his boots? Time will tell, if he has time on his side, the one before Pope John Paul II lasted one month. God certainly wanted him to get back home for his tea.
Away
I've been away for a few days, relaxing in the showers and occasional sun of Normandy, France. Came back through Paris yesterday, as I'd chosen to go by train. Managed to get caught up in a security scare at Notre Dame, was unable to leave my suitcase at the Pompidou Centre so was unable to see any modern art. A pity.
Going away always means you come back to more than you left. However I am winning, retirement is starting to work, there is more time for my life, and one day I'll even manage to decorate the house.
That may encourage me to sell it and move to somewhere, like France.
Ran into my MP (John Gummer) and his henchmen today. They tipped out of a bright new Land Rover parked on double yellow lines outside of Tescos, and paraded down the road dishing out pictures of John Gummer to anyone prepared to accept. I spoke to one charming man, who said he was Gummer's neighbour, nothing to do with politics, who had just been asked to help. He was ex-army, and nodded obligingly while I berated Thatcher, the Conservatives and politicians in general. It will do me no good, but Gummer will surely feel he has done his bit. It's a rare visit for him to Felixstowe, which is the largest town in his constituency. He will be re-elected, that's the meaning of democracy in this land.
We have a new Pope, will he bring change toan overgrown world?
I hope so.
